Dr. Gabor Maté Explains Why Siblings Are Raised Differently: The Impact of Parenting, Personality, and Childhood Experiences

Dr. Gabor Maté, a world-renowned physician and expert in childhood development, has long explored the intricacies of family dynamics and how they shape individual lives. In his latest insights, Maté go through into why siblings—who grow up in the same household under the same parents—often experience vastly different upbringings. According to Maté, the reasons for this lie in the complex interplay of parenting styles, the inherent differences in children’s personalities, and the unique emotional experiences each child faces within the family unit.

While parents may strive for fairness and consistency, Maté emphasizes that every child is an individual with unique needs, temperaments, and sensitivities. These differences, he argues, often lead to varied parenting approaches, which in turn impact the children’s development in distinct ways.

In the role of Parenting and Personality, maté explains that while parents may attempt to treat each child equally, the reality is that they are often guided by the unique personality traits and needs of each child. For instance, an easygoing, adaptable child may receive a more relaxed form of parenting, while a more anxious or highly sensitive sibling might experience more nurturing or, conversely, more cautious or protective behavior from their parents. These differential parenting practices are often unconscious and can shape the child’s emotional and psychological development in profound ways.

“The relationship between a parent and child is not just about providing care—it’s also about attunement,” Maté explains. “Attunement means being in tune with the child’s emotional state and responding appropriately to their needs. Each child’s emotional makeup is different, so a parent’s response to each child will vary.”
The role of birth order, highlights, in shaping sibling experiences. Firstborn children often bear the weight of parental expectations as the innovator of the family, which can lead to higher levels of responsibility and sometimes more pressure. In contrast, younger siblings may benefit from observing the experiences of their older siblings, which can lead to more relaxed or permissive parenting, as parents may have learned more through trial and error by the time the second or third child arrives.

The emotional climate of the home is another crucial factor in how siblings are raised differently. Maté stresses that children are not only influenced by the way their parents behave, but also by the emotional energy that exists in the home. Parents stress, marital conflicts, financial pressures, and other external factors can create an emotional atmosphere that affects each child differently.

In addition, cultural influence and societal expectations to personality and emotional factors, also play a significant role in shaping how siblings are raised. In many cultures, for example, the values of collectivism versus individualism can influence the way parents approach their children’s upbringing. In more collectivist cultures, where family and social harmony are prioritized, siblings may be expected to care for one another and align closely with family values. In contrast, in more individualistic societies, siblings might be encouraged to pursue personal ambitions and express their unique identities, which can result in a more varied approach to each child.

Ultimately, Maté believes that understanding why siblings are raised differently can provide crucial insights into the long-term effects of childhood experiences. The emotional bonds formed—or not formed—during childhood can deeply influence adult relationships, career paths, and overall well-being.

Recognizing these differences in upbringing can also help siblings understand one another better as adults, fostering empathy and deeper connections. By exploring the roots of their differing experiences, siblings can gain insight into the ways their personalities, needs, and emotional responses were shaped by their unique interactions with parents and family life.